Unnoticed and Neccessary.

… as Christ loved the Church

this is what I was taught growing up to wait for…

a man who would love me as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her…

so I have.

and at 29, I find myself harboring extreme doubts and questions of compromise…

Growing up in the heart of Texas surrounded by the teachings of the Southern Baptist Church, my definition of love was definitely skewed. I can remember too many lessons that left me with the belief that Jesus was my boyfriend and that sex was a dirty horrific act until the day you marry, then all of a sudden it turned beautiful. I think these types of lessons are SO dangerous for our youth and leave them mystified and burdened with self-doubt. I know as a girl growing up with this type of formation I felt closed off… as though my own body was something that was untouchable and in some weird way, wrong. This led to years of starving myself not only from food but with wars for misguided attention. It also completely confused my truth about love… what was it really? how should it make me feel? I was scared to death of it… and may still be.

Which leads me to today.

Dating at 29. What is it really? How should it make me feel?

I’m no longer the naive high school girl sitting in the third row of a True Love Waits conference wondering if the boy next to me will honor my purity and give up his life to love me above all else… I’ve seen a lot, done a lot, and felt a lot since then to understand more fully what the nitty gritty side to love entails. Like one of my favorite authors, James Baldwin, said, “Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is growing up.”

So we grow into this definition of love based on our experiences… yet, is that the ultimate truth? Many of us have been loved terribly. Our experiences tell us that true love is painful. It’s Rude. Self-seeking. Manipulative. Abusive. Perverse. and ultimately… abandoning. My experiences have left me with quite the opposite reading of Ephesians 5… never once have I felt like the Church… have I felt so beautiful, honored, and revered that my presence ignites a passion of self-sacrifice out of the one saying, “I love you.”

So what is truth?

What is it really?

How should it make me feel?

Call me naive. Call me a dreamer. Call me foolish. One day you may even call me an old maid…

but there is something that gives me an extreme peace and hope in STILL believing that the most negative writer on marital love… the single Paul, stated the truth… that love is about submission.

Not obligatory. Not coerced. Not restrained submission… but life-giving… the kind of submission you felt when you jumped off the side of the pool at the age of 5 because you knew your Dad was there to catch you. That kind of submission. Giving your life over to the arms of someone else because you trust in their love for you more than your love for yourself.

… as Christ loved the Church, and gave himself up for her.

My foolish belief in true love ultimately underlines my theological understanding of Christ’s actions on the cross. If I can continue to hold off and wait for a love that makes me feel uplifted, special and revered, then I can continue to trust that Christ’s sacrifice was not just one of obedience but of fierce love for his bride-church. For me. For you. For the broken and the new.

So, my question still remains… are there any guys left out there who yearn to love the way Christ loved the Church. I guess I still can’t answer that one. However, I don’t think my truth can depend on that… I think I have to continue to yearn to be loved that way, whether or not that love is ever met. Just as we the Church must continue to ignore the lust of lovers so less wild than our God. We must continue to put one foot in front of the other, down the aisle, as we walk towards a perfect and eternal communion with the Christ that loves us deeper than we can ever understand. It may not be a flashy love. It may not be a blockbuster love. Yet, it proves time and time again… it is patient, kind… it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things…

that. and that alone. is my truth.

… it’s the wait that could be the something.

What happens when God grows silent?
Why does God sometimes not answer?


I had NO idea what God was planning for me as I was packing my bags for Rio. I was completely filled with excitement and faithful fear of what God was going to do with me once my flight landed. I had a friend continue to ask me what my purpose was in going to Rio and I never could answer him. I thought I would discover my purpose once I got here, once God did the ‘Big Reveal’…. when I had my ‘Ah-HA!’ moment. I told him he would be the first person I called when this discovery took place… It’s Day 50 and I have yet to make that call…

However, I think I might have been wrong from the beginning. I think my purpose was IN packing my bags. I just overlooked it. I have a tendency of doing that. I’m a classic ENFP, a “dreamer”… I paint the world around me with large brush strokes and try not to get involved in the details. It was never enough for me to master a dance step; I had to be the star of the recital… everything I did had to be the biggest and the best. This tendency made for very proud parents and lots of flowers and congratulations cards growing up. I won nearly everything I competed in, starred in every show I auditioned for, and always graduated with Honors. 

So where’s the problem? Sounds like the perfect life, right?

Well, it has been a semi-charmed kind of life, but the downside to being a mess of a dreamer like me is that if the dream isn’t guaranteed to have a happy ending… then I never bother. I can remember SO many things I quit because I knew I couldn’t perfect them, or the reward wasn’t going to be enough for all the effort… there was no notary, recognition, or value. Just writing that makes my heart hurt. How could I have let the best parts of who God created me to be, become some of the worst?

I’m afraid I quit my last ministry position because it wasn’t the door I originally thought it was going to be. I thought I was going to become an Urban Youth Director who would get in to the nitty-gritty depths of poverty, injustice in the education system, cruelty and intolerance within the juvenile correction facilities, and change it ALL. Fight, everyday, for the rights of the children that get caught up in the sick cycle our greedy American society has mass produced. 

What my days actually looked like were cutting stickers for Jonah and the Whale craft projects to be done during the evenings by my precious CHAMP kids, or hanging out on the picnic tables outside of the neighborhood church with a few of my Teen Center students chatting about the day. Nothing revolutionary. Nothing breathtaking. Nothing that earned reward or made a name for myself…. and I lost interest as my hopes of making a significant difference in the lives of these kids dwindled…

So I packed my bags to head on to a noteworthy adventure. Everyone was excited when I told them I was moving to Rio, to live at the bottom of one of the poorest neighborhoods in the world, where pigs wander through the trash and kids run barefoot flying homemade kites to occupy the hours. THIS would be the door… the way God would use me to change the world.

So, I got here and I waited…

and waited…

and waited…

As my prayers and cries for purpose grew louder, God seemed to grow quieter. Not more distant… just quiet.

Till I woke up one day and wondered…. what if this is it.
What if I’m not meant to change the world but to wake up every day and obey God?

What if my purpose WAS in the packing of bags? Not where the bags were taking me, or who I would meet on the other side, but in the obedience of packing them when God called me to?

What if the life changing things I yearn to do in the world only change my life? Could that be enough?

Could my life mean enough if I simply wake up and love God? Whether or not that affects another person from sunrise to sundown, just simply obeying God with every breath…

Gandhi said, “What you do in this life will be insignificant, but it’s important that you do it.”

What if my life is insignificant to the world, but my obedience significant to God?

I find myself asking if that’s enough to get a dreamer like me out of bed every morning and excited about the possibilities of the day that lies ahead… but if it’s not… then does the question not turn to whether I have begun to love the dreams more than the one who paints them?

In God’s silence these past 50 days, I have become eerily familiar with the voice in my head… I just pray that as I continue to question my purpose that God is faithful in molding my spirit into one that is content in the empty space of waiting. 

“And I don’t mind,
the wait,
it’s fine, 
as long as you know, 
it’s the wait that,
could be the something… 
So, let the wind blow us to wherever it says,
we are, 
suppose to go…”

- Joshua Radin, “Streetlight”

Rio - Week 2

I have been in Rio for two weeks. This week started out AWESOME. Last Sunday, while Julia and I were driving home from church Brunah spotted me in the car across a 4 lane road and came running. Julia pulled over and Brunah gave me the biggest kisses. I had been searching for her all week and was totally not expecting to see her that day just out on the road. It was such a sweet surprise and was my first moment of feeling ‘at home’ here in such a strange place. Brunah had been one of the reasons I wanted to travel back here and stay. She just reminds me so much of Jesus. She makes me feel like my heart has hope to love again. To love fully. 

Then work started. 

Monday was a day of prep. We had to rearrange furniture, move beds out of one room to create office space, try to get the internet up and running, etc. Things like that just aren’t as easy as they are back home. If you wanted to set up an office space at Myers Park, you just call Ron, and a day later you have a fully functioning office with a phone, computer that’s connected to the network, desk, bookshelves, etc. Not quite the way it works around here. It was frustrating at first, still is a bit. You have to be tricky here, creative, work with what you’ve got and make what you’ve got work.

Adenildo, one of the guys who stayed with us the last time we were down here, came to help move things around and get us set up. It was good to see him again. I was helping him at first until we went to move a dresser and as he was pulling out the second drawer he made a comment that it smelled like bugs. I just laughed and agreed (of course everything around here smells weird to me), then he goes to pull out the last drawer and four cockroaches come running out. I’m not sure I’ve ever squeeled so loud in my life. I jump up on a chair and he starts laughing hysterically. I run out into the other room as he proceeds to move the dresser out and bang it around. About 25 cockroaches in total come scattering out before Adenildo crunches them beneath his boot. It was the worst thing in the world to watch and hear! They must have been living in that dresser for years!! Julia and I have since seen two at various times throughout the week in our office running from corner to corner. This will just be another thing I will have to become accustom to.

By the end of Monday, our friend Mario had not quite fixed our internet (actually it still isn’t up and running yet), however, he gave us the password for Coca-Cola’s wireless network. They sponsor a computer lab for young people across the way from the ICP and Mario works with them as well. With this password I am able to access internet from the window of my bedroom. So, Monday night, for the first time I was able to get on Skype and talk with my mom and a friend back home. It was soooo good to feel like I was back. Back in my world for a moment. Back to my life. However, you always have to be careful with things like that. It’s easy to get caught up in having too much of a good thing. I have been struggling since then with balance. How do I balance plugging into my new life here and staying connected to my old life back home. ..  I have a feeling this will be a question that lingers throughout my stay here.

Thursday morning was my first Brazilian Aerobics class with my new friend Simone. Whew! Kicked my toosh! It was SO much fun though and good to be dancing a little bit again. The women here are SO free with themselves. No one cares what they look like or whether or not they are embarrassing themselves… they just let go and have fun with their bodies and with the people around them. That will take a while to get used to as well… as will the INSANE aerobics that they do here! It puts P90x to shame! The class meets on Tuesday and Thursday mornings, and I plan to keep taking it. It’s a free class sponsored by the Olympics that will be here in Rio in 2016. It’s weird how much of the city is linked to this one event… it’s awesome in some ways, I mean, free aerobics classes for the favelas! FANTASTIC! They also have sports for the kids, and are rebuilding and cleaning up a lot of the city, however there is sooooo much bad that goes along with it as well…. Forced evictions, government corruption, and not to even mention what happens to Rio in 2017? Scary thoughts…

Which brings me to the moment that I will probably most likely remember from my second week in Rio…

Saturday, Julia, and a new friend Mary Allison who is also from the states and down here working for an NGO, went to Ipanema beach for the day. It was a beautiful day and we had a great time talking about boys and life half-way around the world from home, etc. Just girls being girls. As the beach temperatures dropped we decided to head back to Mary Allison’s house. She lives in another favela about 20mins from ours.  We hung out at her place for a while and then it was time to head home. As the three of us were walking down the last set of steps before getting into the van that takes you back to the metro station a black Policia Militar truck squeals to a halt right in front of us and 6 armed Military Police jump out with their guns drawn yelling at everyone to freeze. We backed up against the staircase and stood, watching as they drug two men out of the little bar next to us, threw them on the ground and searched. The ones that were not involved in the bar raid combed the area surrounding us with their guns, several times eyeing us with the tips of their rifles. Finally two of them came over to us and started questioning why we were there. Mary Allison explained that she lived just at the top of the staircase and we were over visiting. They did not believe our story, no ‘gringas’ – white girls, live in favelas ‘slums’.  She stated again, that she DID in fact live there and the guard again said, the last time a gringa told him that she was the girlfriend of the main drug lord. We just stood there, as the guy decided in his head whether or not to let us go. It seemed like an eternity and finally he cleared the walk and told us to get on the van and go.

Julia has been here for 6 months and never been in an altercation like that before. So hopefully, that will be it for our remaining time in Rio, but it was quite a lot for week 2.

As I mentioned in my first post, time seems to be moving slower here. There are just so many memorable moments and things to recount each day, that time is easily marked and remembered. To think about the next two and a half months before I get to go home, is really hard to do. I am loving it here, it’s just SOOOOO much to take in.

It’s been two weeks and I can already say… my world is forever different. 

Rio - Week 1

Rio Reflection – Week 1 

So I’ve almost been in Rio for one week. It seems like I’ve been here a month. I’ve never realized how much time there is in a week when every hour is filled with new faces, new sounds and new smells. When you have to be present in every moment, time seems to have a way of slowing down. It has been a good week learning how to survive on my own and yet very hard being away from friends that I had begun to rely on so much. I have seen God in a million places this week but we haven’t talked too much. I think I’m still so overwhelmed that this is where I’ve been brought that I just don’t know what to say.

“Letting Go” seems to be the theme so far here. I am quickly being forced not only to let go of my dependence on comforts back home like my friends, my cell phone, my air conditioner. I am also being forced to let go of my need to control the world around me. I have never really thought of myself as a control freak and I’m not sure that I really am… but I always need to know what’s happening next. Maybe my need isn’t really control but information. I have always been insanely inquisitive, even when I was a little kid. Here, I have no idea what anything is or how to even ask what something is. I have no idea what’s happening next, who I’m going to meet, what I need to wear, where my next meal is coming from or what it might be. I just have no information, no context with which to prepare myself for the next moment. I have to just live it. Just be.

I’ve always had trouble with that. I’m the girl that stands in the mirror and goes over how I’m going to say something to someone a million times. I write out my thoughts sometimes before saying them outloud to make sure they are well thought out. This is why I was always convinced text messaging was created just for me! I am rehearsed, practiced, eloquent, or at least try to be. In Rio… there just isn’t time for all that prep work. I have no way of knowing what my next conversation will be and let’s just forget the primping, my hair is completely flat and make-up sweating off my face before I even leave my room. I have to just be me here, in all my flaws and in all my fumbles. Yet, no one has seemed to mind too much yet… except me.

I miss home terribly. Actually, I was having a conversation with Julia last night about that very word. I’m not sure I know where home is. Or what home even means. I’ve never really had that safe place to turn where I know I will be loved without expectation. I haven’t been in the same place for Christmas in years. I even called my parent’s up this week and mentioned the idea of coming ‘home’ for Christmas this year… there was no excitement, rather a concern about the cost. That stings. I wonder if there will ever be a place, a person, who will want me to come ‘home’ no matter the cost; a safe place where I know I will be wanted and loved unconditionally. I guess not really having that now makes it easier to be in a place so foreign.  So I guess when I say I miss home terribly, I’m really just saying I miss the people I love… and soon, maybe that will be people here and I won’t be missing as much.

I’ve been in Rio for almost a week, and already I can feel myself growing. 

10 Days

Two months ago I spent 10 days in Rio and they changed the course of my life. Now I have 10 days left in the US before I head back to Rio for the next 10 months.

It’s funny how life has a way of surprising us, or I guess I should say God. This summer did not start or end the way I thought it would. I guess my life in general hasn’t quite gone the way I thought it would. However, that isn’t such a bad thing…

As a little girl I always dreamed of what my life would be like when I grew up. It seems that most little girls have the same dreams… Get married, have a family, wear pretty dresses and be the apple of everyone’s eye. I wonder if that’s because we don’t give our kids enough colors in their box to make a mess of their dreams…

I’m glad my little girl dreams haven’t come true. I’m so glad I am where I am and I’m getting to live this crazy life. I’m glad that God has added so many colors to my box through friends, experiences and lessons… They have all cumulated into this mess of a dream that is now taking me on a journey I never could have imagined.

But that’s just who God is.

God is that whimsical wind that breathes at the door and patiently waits for you to open… And the minute you do, you are at it’s mercy. All God needs is a crack in the doorway, a lean in, a hand reached out, a timid…. Yes. All God needs is for us to let go and when we do we are immediately whisked away to unimaginable places, people, and stories. We serve a God that pens some of the most intricately beautiful masterpieces and all we have to do to be cast as a starring role is to let go of the script.

I never could have written a story this good. I never would have given a character like myself this grand of a plot.

I have 10 days left till the page turns once again…

Beauty in the Dark…

It’s 10 at night and I’m outside on the porch watering all the flowers like I do every night before I come in… 

This time is normally filled with thoughts from the day.

There is just something about nurturing flowers that brings about a sort of mysterious hope inside oneself… you can only water and feed them… then you have to wait. You have no real control over whether they will flourish or die. You have no idea how big they’ll grow, what colors they might change in to… all you can do is be faithful to take care of them and have the faith/hope that they will bloom!

I love that.

Taking care of all these flowers this Spring has not only taught me that I do in fact have a green thumb! =) But that creation is SOOOOO outside of our control and yet SOOOOO in the palm our hands. WE HAVE TO WATER THE PLANTS! We HAVE to be Faithful. 

So that wasn’t really the lesson that came from tonight… that’s just been something pondered since I planted these little guys back at the beginning of the Spring.

No, tonight… I couldn’t stop thinking about beauty.

Okay… maybe I should preface this…

Let’s start a few months back… last July to be exact. My little self decided to join a dating website… eHarmony to be exact. Why? Well… I work with inner city kids… not a whole lot of dating potential going on in my neck of the woods. So, I figured I would give the site a try. 

It was really fun at first, getting to know different people and really for the first time considering what I do and don’t want in a relationship. It’s funny how browsing hundreds of profiles will do that to you… I quickly began “closing matches” with anyone who answered “what’s the last book you read” with a) I don’t like to read; b) the Holy Bible; c) the Twilight Series or d) some type of magazine subscription…

Once I started dating some of the guys… a whole new part of my life began. I like to call the last 10-11months of my life “The Dating Game”. That’s sort of what it’s been… I’ve gone out with quite a few guys in the last year and none of it’s been bad. I’ve met some great people… but I’m also insanely tired! haha. My eHarmony subscription ended on Thursday, and I can’t say I was too terribly disappointed. When the email arrived in my inbox I could almost hear the sigh of relief in my heart… it’s over. 

Tonight… I realized why the sigh…

It’s not that I’m tired of meeting new people, and it’s certainly not that I’ve given up on finding love. In fact, that is one huge thing I’ve gained from this “Dating Game” portion of my life… that love is a choice. A brave one at that! 

I used to think that people who were “in love” with the idea of being “in love” were cheesy and a bit pathetic. Up until this past year I tried to be EVERYTHING that they were NOT. I staked my claim in the single world and was proud of it! I told everyone and everything that I was completely independent and confident and would never need anyone. I thought that was the way to be powerful, courageous, a real ‘standout’ with a great life story. Dating has taught me that that’s just not true at all… I may not have fallen in love (yet), but I’ve definitely grown to love the notion of true love. As far as I’m concerned that’s the bravest thing there is in this world! To hold on to the HOPE there is in love… whether you’re in it or not… to stand in awe of it’s power to move people, to mold people, to bring people ultimately closer to God. There just isn’t a better way to describe the love God has for the world than to witness true love. Simply for that… I hope I get to be a part of the story one day.

Okay… so back to why tonight’s watering session got me thinking about how grateful I am that my eHarm subscription is up, haha. 

Well… one thing that hasn’t been great about the “Dating Game” portion of my life is the way it’s made me feel deep down inside. I haven’t enjoyed jumping from date to date. I haven’t enjoyed “interviewing” or “being interviewed”… the whole idea of marketing a relationship. It’s begun to make me feel like a product instead of a person. 

“Does my profile really reflect who I am?”

“Is he even gonna read the answers or just look at my pictures?”

“What does he mean by ‘let’s keep in touch’”??? (hahaha… that was my fav!)

At the end of the day, you go on eH and check to see if anyone’s ‘communicated’ with you that day… you can also see who’s ‘viewed you’ and who’s updated their profiles… naturally the day after you post a new pic you all of a sudden have 10 new emails waiting in your box. It’s all just a little… fake.

All this to say… I’ve begun doubting my “product” lately. Am I smart enough? Witty enough? Pretty enough? Thin enough? Smile enough? To grab the long-term attention of any of these guys? 

The ultimate question being… “Will any of these guys stick around long enough to recognize and affirm that I am beautiful?” … is that not the ultimate question for any girl?

but…

tonight as I was watering the flowers… I realized something…

flowers don’t disappear in the dark.

flowers don’t hide.

they don’t duck away to sleep…

no matter what time of the night… they are out there shining in all their glory!

I realized tonight… that my flowers aren’t beautiful JUST when I’m admiring them… they are beautiful when I’m unconsciously asleep in my bed.  Their beauty doesn’t come from my witness… it just is. 

IT JUST IS!

I love that. 

Is that not the same for ALL of God’s creation?

We are not beautiful when someone recognizes the beauty in us… we are beautiful no matter what time of day it is or who’s paying attention. We are always shining in all of our splendor no matter who recognizes or affirms it. We are beautiful JUST BECAUSE we ARE! 

You can’t really put that in a profile… and I’m glad I no longer have to. 

However, I hope it becomes more obvious on my face and in my actions… my prayer is that in understanding my own worth and value, my words, actions, and walk will further affirm the beauty in those around me. I’m so glad flowers are beautiful in the dark! 

Day 18 - His Fatherhood

Okay. So it’s been a few weeks since the last post… I feel like I should catch everyone up on where my head… and heart… have been…

let’s just say… confused! 

I had one of my co-workers, a pastor on staff, come and sit down in my office a few weeks ago and flat out tell me that I was called to be single. 

At first I was stunned, and noticed myself becoming defensive (which was a new thing…) however, the more he began to explain, the more I began to wonder…

He said we’re ALL called to be single. In Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians he spells it out for us… we’re called to be single, as Christ was single, and only if we cannot control our desires, should we then pursue marriage.

I should give a little background, this pastor is HAPPILY married with two amazing kids, and he doesn’t regret it at all… but says he wishes that there was more of an intent within the church to uphold the joy of singleness… the opportunity it brings to be fully devoted to God. He admitted he missed the freedom he had to be in prayer, fasting, and complete abandonment to God whenever he liked. Now he has to be devoted to a wife and children who depend on him.

All of this got me thinking… why do I want to get married? Do I? Why does my family want me to get married? Why does the church want me to get married… they seem to always be the worst! Any time someone on staff at the church is single, it’s “Oh I need to introduce you to so-and-so!”… there’s no comprehension of CHOSEN-singlehood… it almost seems like a disease… something’s gone wrong… “How could a girl like YOU be single?” What I want to ask is… what does that MEAN?? 

All that to say…

I stepped away from this book for a while… again… not so much in the mood to pray for a husband, I’m not even sure I’m SUPPOSE to want… 

But tonight… something told me to open it back up… I hate leaving things unfinished. 

For better or worse… I’m learning more about myself through this whole process. 

So, Day 18 - Praying for His Fatherhood.

I also think this is an interesting chapter to assume… Stormie never puts within the pages that this chapter may not be relevant to all her readers… she just writes as though every husband is also a father… again, it’s as though our purposes are not fulfilled unless we are both married AND parents…

anyways… I digress.

Stormie writes that almost all men struggle with Fatherhood. They are insecure and have a hard time feeling important in their children’s lives… this leads to weak fathers, overly stern and abusive fathers, and finally completely absent fathers.

She states that many times these insecurities come from distorted relationships between men and their own fathers… and the cycle is formed. 

Stormie presses her readers to pray for their husbands to be reconciled with their fathers in order to ultimately have a better relationship with the Heavenly Father which will make them a better Dad… whew. That’s a lot of hoops!

I found myself in a similar circle a few years ago… When I was at Duke I went through some really tough stuff… things that made me really angry with my parents, particularly my mother. I had realized that some of the things she’d said and done to me when I was younger had made a huge impact on the way I viewed myself and ultimately led me to become really sick. 

I blamed her.

I became so angry.

I felt as though I was permanently scarred and it was all her fault.

How could she have said those things, done those things, not been there when I needed her the most, and all around just not understood me?

Then…

I made a decision.

To forgive.

I was not going to live as a victim to circumstances I could not control, nor go back and change.

I could not change the way I was raised, or some of the things that happened to me, but I could change everything about the person I wanted to be from that day forward.

And that person wasn’t going to be angry. Wasn’t going to waste another minute looking back… I wanted to be ME. Without the baggage. Without my parent’s voices in the back of my head telling me who I was and wasn’t… I wanted to be ME… by MY definitions.

As I continued to redefine myself, I sought refuge in the story of Jacob wrestling with God on the banks of the Jabbok. Jacob asks the ‘angel’ for a name… he is wanting to define, or know who he’s wrestling… and in Jacob’s turmoil God actually gives HIM a new name… Israel. 

STINKIN CRAZY! It is in our pursuit of God… that WE are redefined. 

And I think that’s it… 

If we are constantly seeking God… I mean DEEPLY searching God out in every crevice of our lives… we can’t fail. Our past relationships with our parents or with others won’t be what defines us. They may have given us an earthly name, but God renames us in our wrestling… we are defined by our status as those who take up the challenge to forever seek God. 

We have to quit living as though other people make us who we are.

We are who God chose us to be.  Period.

That is my prayer tonight… that I will continue to understand who I am by God’s definition, and no other. And if I am to be married, my husband will do the same. Together we will wrestle with parenthood and challenge each other to be the parent’s God calls us to be… not victims of a childhood we did or didn’t have. GOD defines the next pages. Enough looking back. Enough blaming everyone around and avoiding the true work at hand… let’s get down and dirty with God and seek out our new identities as we wrestle to define a God who forever remains bigger and more mysterious than our wildest dreams. Amen.

Day 17 - His Relationships

Well, I took a few months off… in all honesty I just quit. I couldn’t remember the reasons why I started writing this blog in the first place and praying for someone I wasn’t sure even existed seemed more and more crazy as the days went on. Then I went over for dinner at a friend’s house this weekend and she asked me why I’d quit. I barely remembered this blog in the first place, I couldn’t believe she’d remembered… and as soon as she said something another friend across the table chimed in and asked that I finish what I started.

Nothing like a little peer pressure to make you do something crazy, or in this case finish…

And maybe that’s just it. Maybe this is crazy. Maybe that’s exactly how it’s suppose to make me feel. Because last I remember every time someone stepped out on faith in God and began to pray for things that seemed impossible, everyone thought they were certifiable. So whether I’m prayin crazy prayers for a man who doesn’t exist, all I can know for sure… is that I’m being faithful… to the call to pray… that came through a couple of amazing friends over a few glasses of wine.

Day 17 - His Relationships…

Maybe I should first be praying about MY relationships! Ever since I started reading this book, my dating life has sort of picked up… not so inconsequentially, maybe… but nonetheless, I’ve been on a few more dates in the last few months then the norm. However, I’m not sure it’s made me all the more faithful in my relationship with the idea of marriage. I’ve become sort of jaded. Wondering if a guy who I can stand past date #3 is really out there… I never thought I was picky, but I’m just getting bored so quickly… there’s no intrigue, no irresistible sparks, no wonder, no happy endings… just a bunch of interview-type lackadaisical dinners that lead to a full tummy but an empty heart.

But maybe I’m the one in the wrong…

Maybe I’m expecting too much…

I want too much…

Today I was to pray over my husband’s relationships… Stormie makes some good points in this chapter, although pushes beyond them to a place I wish she didn’t go. Her objective is to prove that we must be surrounded by Godly friends who will lift us up when times are bad and surround us with good counsel when we need it. I agree 100%, that’s what my girls did for me this weekend! They shot my butt back into gear and pushed me to press further into what God wants for me, not just what I want for myself. Bingo Stormie! 1 point for you and 2 points for my girls!

However, I deduct 5 points from the unnecessary move to state that being friends with the “ungodly” will ultimately lead to destruction. Although, she states this carefully as to avoid as much controversy as possible, her point still scratched against the chalkboard inside me… painfully. She uses the verse from 2 Corinthians 6:14 to say we must “not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers.” I’m afraid you missed the mark on this one Stormie. This isn’t to scare us away from becoming close with those who don’t entrust their lives to Christ, it’s to say that we shouldn’t be yoked with them… because it would be unequal. A yoke is a crossbar with two U-shaped pieces that encircle the necks of a pair of oxen or other draft animals working together. We should not expect a non-believer to be able to carry the burdens of this world equally with us, we are called to serve them… we as Christians are working with a much mightier strength at our back. This is a call to serve, deeply, passionately, and without expecting anything in return… this is not a verse written to cause fear, it is a verse to cause love. Yes, as 2 Corinthians continues we should be aware of what we serve… we are not to serve the ungodly with empty kindness as to preserve their sinfulness and state of shame but as to bring them out, with us, from under the burden of the world. We HAVE to read the WHOLE Bible. We just can’t make assumptions about a whole group of people based on one chapter taken out of context within the whole of the Scripture.

Okay… over that rant. Anywho… Stormie makes an excellent point that friends who share in God’s love and purpose for this world are PRECIOUS and we should hold them close! Close enough for them to be able to freely call us out when we stray from our shared journey. That’s just what my friends and I do and I prayed today that the man I marry (if I do, still gotta throw that doubt in there =) is surrounded by them too! It’s just an abundant joy! I pray that for EVERYONE! But especially for my husband, right now, I pray that he’s being called out by close friends to live more faithfully, being pressed into the glory of God by those who are willing to walk beside him all the way through. I pray that he’s becoming the type of man who’s quick to listen and slow to anger when words from friends hit deep. May he seek the truth in those whom God has entrusted around him and may he seek to love ALL of his friends with the strength daily provided through Jesus. Amen.